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There’s someone in my building who lives in the attic, they make sudden random movements, hit themselves, say bizarre things and swear for no reason, their mood can switch from happy to sad and back again in seconds, they speak to people who aren’t there (people in their head), and sometimes they suddenly act like they aren’t sure how they got where they are and their memory skips random things.
The worst thing is learning to cope with knowing that they are me.
@Sophie@dice.campDiscovering we are plural and there are always people around looking after us is great.
What isn’t great is when they jump in all “oh actually you shouldn’t be aware of this” and we forget the thing. Someone even deleted this toot as I typed it TWICE and I can’t remember if this was what I wanted to say in the first place
Anyway, it’s definitely awkward knowing that you exist in some part-mad space where you’re pretty confident that you’re not insane, but you sure as shit look like you are and your grip on reality isn’t exactly perfect.
Or alternatively your grip on reality is more truthful than it is for most people.
As an example, there’s a psychological theory that says depression and anxiety, amongst other non-organic conditions, are rational reactions of a rational mind to irrational conditions. If everyone around you tells you you’re unacceptable, especially when you’re a kid without any resilience, you believe it and adapt to that erroneous belief.
Besides, Vote For Insanity. You Know It Makes Sense.
@Aphrodite @Sophie I definitely think of it as a product of my brain trying to handle very difficult situations, and then of me becoming aware of how it's doing that
A more truthful perception of my own reality and its mechanisms
Whether I should be aware of it or not is kind of immaterial at this point - I can't unknow the things man was not meant to know, I have to adapt to this reality, and it has more answers for me than the other one ever did
@genderfaerie @Aphrodite I absolutely feel this! Tics aside, all of this is just how I had to be to cope. And maybe it’s not great to be *so* completely aware of it all, but try as parts of me might, ignorance isn’t something we usually get to go back to.
I’ve been reading into religious practices and certain modern sensual practices, and the odd thing is there appears to be overlap in at least one type of practice that seems to allow a willing participant to experience a naive and less aware state.
In some cases there’s an inability even to express or comprehend selfness, which is a fascinating concept since this echoes the conceit of ego death LSD users sometimes report.
World is weird sometimes like that.
@Sophie if you have not read it it yet, I would humbly suggest to try to read “The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”.
@Sophie Sounds like your system has a gatekeeper. Not that ours has ever done that to us. That we know of.
@madewokherd (hi, Fia dipping in to solo for this one) I am basically the person with the greatest amount of control in the system (that I know of), and have basically managed fronting for a *long* time. I don’t like the term “gatekeeper” and I’ve been trying not to be so domineering since finding out I’m not alone, but I think it best matches me out of anyone. That said, I’ve never had control of memory and that this happened is worrying tbh. Maybe there’s another?
@madewokherd I guess if I manage switching but loosely, there could be someone who manages memory also. I’d not know about them unless they wanted me to. Have to wonder how often this has happened before tbh…
@Sophie Fair, sorry. I think partial control is something different anyway.
Blocking memories sounds like a useful ability to have, but what's lacking is cooperation, consent, and trust.