1/? work/life 

I'm not well.

I basically had to give up my leadership career because post-concussion & disability means i can't really teach, adding in queer+transness means no one wants to hire me, & my unwillingness to tolerate corruption & unethical behavior rules out other options.

I'm not really a game designer anymore either. It moved on without me, & because during the height of 2020 Pandemic I was struggling & couldn't communicate well, so work stopped.

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2/? work/life 

So that's like a decade wasted on two separate things (education+corporate/govt/academic work & game design).

My safety design work might have been able to continue except that I also had a lot of struggle with the games scene over that, especially hiring, crediting, & respecting my work, while other safety designers seemed to largely do just fine. I guess I didn't know the right people, or I just wasn't good enough, but it isn't enough to feed me anyway.

3/? work/life 

Blogging had to end because I wanted to focus more on diverse creators, but my disabilities wouldn't allow for the upkeep and extra dedication that was requiring (people who have second and third shifts need more follow ups, and I couldn't keep up with that when I was barely functioning, & when I was seeing other blogs making 2x+ what I was, especially after I lost 2/3 my supporters moving to ko-fi because of ethical reasons people claimed to support).

4/? work/life 

I've been doing work at a resin shop and I've learned some, but building skills when you're basically a broken person with a broken mind and a broken body that are taking a lot more than Elmer's to put back together is pretty fucking hard. I won't take over the shop if Jay stops, & it feels like the more I contribute, the less they make in the shop through sales, which is heartbreaking to me & endangers what small financial support it gives me (mostly for medical expenses).

5/? work/life 

I've been trying to build my artistic skills (which I started when writing and talking were super hard after my head injury, and have continued on because now that I know I'm autistic, it's good to have an outlet that's not words all the time), both illustration & photography, but like, basically no one gives a shit about those things at all. I can't build skills fast enough, my art isn't advanced enough, & I'm not an intriguing person to focus on as a favorite anywhere.

6/6 work/life 

I have no income except sparse game sales & the donations through my Ko-Fi which even I know aren't justified. I can't get on disability because John makes enough to keep us alive & surviving. It means every moment I spend on "fun" things, I feel immense guilt for not working 24/7 & building skills & trying to overcome my illnesses. I'm in therapy, PT, & on several meds, but there's no end in sight. We want to move, but I'm a liability.

I guess this is just a PSA. I'm sorry.

6/6 work/life 

@thoughty No need to apologize. It sounds like an awful lot to deal with, and needing to vent about it (at a bare minimum) is completely understandable. You’ve contributed a lot in a lot of areas over the years and it’s awful that you don’t get appropriate recognition for that.

6/6 work/life 

@linnaeus that's very kind of you to say!

6/6 work/life 

@thoughty there is nothing to be sorry for. It sucks that you struggle so much. Don't be too hard on yourself. You need a chance to heal. I hope things improve for you soon.

6/6 work/life 

@chaosmeister thank you for the kindness 💙

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