Normal Island News
Police identify blind man in wheelchair as mastermind behind Hamas UK
Police have captured the mastermind they believe is behind the zero terror attacks carried out by Hamas UK. It is feared the unnamed suspect came up with the words on all the signs that we're not allowed to repeat. He was thought to be days away from developing a slogan that makes fun of Yvette Cooper.
Normal Island News
Palestinian footballer dies of "natural causes" after bullet strikes him in aid queue
Suleiman al-Obeid, a renowned footballer nicknamed the "Palestinian Pele" has sadly died of natural causes after a bullet struck him while he was queuing for aid near Rafah. He was 41 years old.
Most of the football world has fallen silent, but UEFA posted this heartfelt tribute that was carefully worded to avoid telling too much of the truth:
Normal Island News
UK's homeless minister makes four people homeless so she can pocket an extra £700 in rent
The UK's homeless minister,Rushanara Ali,has been hard at work,making her tenants homeless so she can earn passive income.It seems she misunderstood her job role and took the title of Homeless Minister quite literally. To be fair, this was an easy mistake to make. Sir Keir Starmer took his job title of Massive Lying Prick quite literally too!
Normal Island News
President Trump courageously plans nuclear war to prevent release of Trump-Epstein files
The most rational and well-balanced US president ever, Donaald Trump, is making exciting plans to start nuclear war with Russia to prevent the release of the Epstein files.
In a social media post that was so serious it contained relatively few grammatical errors, Trump announced that he has positioned two nuclear submarines close to Russia
Normal Island News
UK government makes exciting plans to put recording devices in every car for your "safety"
Everyone in the UK has been feeling much safer since the Online Safety Act made Spotify threaten to delete your account, unless you agree to have your face scanned so you can listen to music, so the government is looking at more exciting measures to intrude on your privacy.
Normal Island News
UK government celebrates ruining entire internet for whole world to save zero children from harm
The Online Safety Act came into effect two days ago and it has been a roaring success, ruining the entire internet for everyone to save zero children from harm! Western bureaucrats have hailed it as the most important step towards authoritarianism since the US agreed to ban TikTok for Israel.
Normal Island News
Government introduces age verification so it can innocently monitor your online porn habits
The government has reassured the public there is nothing sinister about age verification, it just wants to keep a record of every porn site you've ever visited. Relax! The people who are losing your data one minute, and selling it to corporations the next, would never misuse your most sensitive information!
Man carrying home his gardening tools arrested by armed police in Manchester
“[I had] to explain in very basic terms what an allotment is to this guy,” he said. “So it didn’t fill me with a lot of confidence that I was going to be let off.”
Normal Island News
Establishment holds emergency meeting to come up with smear for Corbyn's new party
The establishment has gone into panic mode after Jeremy Corbyn launched a website where people can sign up to support his new party. Disgracefully, Corbyn has not yet named the new party, meaning Sir Keir Starmer can't even proscribe it.
Normal Island News
Trump eases everyone's suspicions by saying it's no big deal Ghislaine Maxwell is a sex trafficker
President Trump showed he has a heart of gold by wishing convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell well during an HBO interview.
Strangely, Trump's interviewer objected to the well wishing on account of Maxwell being a "sex trafficker", but Trump reminded us that is no big deal.
Normal Island News
Shocking outbreak of terrorist grannies tackled by stunningly brave police officers across UK
Unquestionably the most disturbing aspect of Israel's genocide has been the outbreak of terrorist grannies across the UK. No one knows why so many grannies resorted to terrorism when Yvette Cooper criminalised opinions she dislikes under the Terrorism Act. I guess we'll never figure this one out...
Normal Island News
Robert Peston insists his experience of being black is identical to Diane Abbott's
Robert Peston has reacted furiously to the suggestion that the racism he experiences differs in any way from the racism experienced by Diane Abbott. Peston explained the parallels between the pair are alarming.
Normal Island News
Sir Keir Starmer says "women of Diane Abbott's colour should not be lecturing white men on racism"
Ever since she disgusted Sir Keir Starmer's voter base by becoming the UK's first black female MP, Diane Abbott has been met with ridicule from all the people who understand racism better than she does.
Normal Island News
Epstein islanders vote to block release of Epstein files that don't exist
In a stunning show of transparency, the Republican Party has voted against releasing the Epstein files that don't exist. Interestingly,Donald Trump, JD Vance, Mike Johnson and others were extremely vocal about releasing the files when they weren't in power.
Now Trump is president, he has given up on the pretence like Melania has given up on faking orgasms.
Normal Island News
Zionists extremely upset with Superman movie for being nothing like Israel and Gaza
Zionists are extremely upset that the new Superman movie is nothing like Israel and Gaza. The movie depicts a technologically-advanced nation armed by an evil US billionaire that is brutally colonising someone else's land. The land in question is a fictional place called Jarhanpur.
Normal Island News
Prison cameras went down while Ghislaine Maxwell committed suicided next week
The US government has explained the cameras to Ghislaine Maxwell's prison cell strangely went down while she committed suicide next week. Sadly, no one knows how Maxwell committed suicide because the on-duty guards were sleeping while her body was smuggled away. Hopefully, the footage the FBI is splicing together with Adobe Acrobat can shed some light.
Normal Island News
Zero casualties as Palestine Action commits terror attacks in London, Manchester and Cardiff
A series of sickening terror attacks have occurred in London, Manchester and Cardiff in which people expressed opinions their government disapproves of. These so-called "peaceful protests" have so far resulted in zero deaths and zero injuries as well as zero damage to property.
Normal Island News
FBI announces Prince Andrew is "no longer a paedophile" as Epstein investigation concludes
Air Miles Andy is a free man!
The FBI has concluded its investigation into Prince Andrew's association with Jeffrey Epstein and announced it no longer considers him a paedophile.This is because the FBI was unable to obtain evidence,aside from the pictures of Andrew groping a teenage girl who was later murdered
Normal Island News
Members of Epstein client list confirm missing minute on Epstein video is not suspicious
I find this reassuring, don't you?
The footage released by the DoJ of Jeffrey Epstein's cell on the day he was busted out of jail and flown to a tropical island has a missing minute. Conspiracy theorists have suggested something could have happened during that minute, but all members of the Epstein client list are in agreement they are wrong.
Normal Island News
Norman Tebbit has been reunited with his close friend Margaret Thatcher… in Hell
It's okay, they've privatised the furnaces
In heart warming news, Norman Tebbit has been reunited with his close friend Margaret Thatcher… in Hell. Tebbit reached the ripe old age of 94 before Satan finally claimed him because the evil ones almost always last the longest.
Tebbit was widely regarded as being critical to Margaret Thatcher’s success,
